At one point a friend asked me for information about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). I immediately sprang into action by snoozing her request 1-5 times every day for the next 3 months. But I did finally get around to responding, and here’s a summary of the info I gave, so I have it on hand the next time someone asks. For reference, I was diagnosed in 2020, just before the pandemic.
Do I have it?
If you're wondering if you have ADHD, I started by taking ADDitude’s test: Female ADHD Test: Symptoms in Women and Girls
I'll say that that test is not perfect, because it assumes a certain level of tragedy that not all people with ADHD experience—many have learned to mask it, so "Do you despair of ever fulfilling your potential and meeting your goals?" (for example) doesn't apply to them, but the amount of energy they're putting in to keep things running is outsized, even if they don't realize it.
But it's a good starting place; if you get a noteworthy score on the test it's worth chatting with a professional to get evaluated.
What does ADHD look like?
The main helpful things I've learned about ADHD are:
We have an interest & urgency based nervous system. Neurotypical people prioritize things based on importance. ADHD folks don't (at least, not naturally). So if a friend asks for info about ADHD: I love them and want to help, and also I'm interested in this topic; but if there’s no urgency to it, I’ll snooze it forever. Similarly, bills are urgent but I'm not interested in them, so I have to have a bunch of reminders set up to ensure I get them done.
"Attention deficit" is a misnomer. It's not about a deficit of attention, it's about a difficulty regulating that attention. This means that you can spend hours and hours doing something you're interested in (or that's giving you dopamine hits). This is called hyperfocus, and if harnessed right it's a superpower for sure. The problem is it's very difficult to force it to turn on for things you're not interested in.
"Hyperactivity disorder" is also a misnomer; not all folks with ADHD are outwardly hyperactive. The majority of women fall into the "inattentitve type," which is more daydreamy, or mentally hyperactive.
"Time blindness" is a major issue for me and many folks with ADHD. If I'm in hyperfocus mode I have absolutely no concept of time (four hours feels like 10 minutes), and even in day-to-day life I'm not really conscious of it. Neurotypical people have that "I think I have a meeting in a few minutes..." feeling, and I basically never do.
Rejection sensitivity disorder (RSD) is another thing a lot of folks with ADHD struggle with. I don't experience this so much anymore, but it's good to be aware of. It's basically an extreme reaction to rejection or perceived rejection. This, coupled with an ADHD person's tendency to overshare/say the wrong thing/miss social cues, can lead to a lot of distress.
If you’re getting assessed, also have them assess you for OCD and autism. There’s a lot of overlap between those three buckets, and knowing which flavor of neuro spicy you are can really help you understand how to manage symptoms. ADHD and autism are underdiagnosed in women, and even someone who’s specifically screening you for one might not think to screen you for the other.
Resources
Some resources I’ve found helpful:
The book Organizing Solutions for People With Attention Deficit Disorder. My biggest takeaway from this was that ADHD brains are great at starting things but bad at finishing them, so you should make finishing tasks as easy as possible: remove the lid from your hamper, store your plates right next to the dishwasher so they're easy to put away, etc. There are lots of other good tips in the book, but this concept has revolutionized my life quite a lot.
ADDitude magazine has great articles, and they put their webinars out as a podcast so you can listen while you do other things.
How To ADHD is a good YouTube channel (and hosted by a redhead, so you know I'm in). I like her earlier videos that talk about the basics; a lot of them are in the Popular section.
Radically decluttering is one of the main things that has changed my day-to-day life. I found listening to audiobooks or podcasts on minimalism helpful, because I decluttered while I listened and it kept me on task. (Tip: get the audiobooks from your library!). In addition to the Organizing Solutions book above, my favorites are A Slob Comes Clean’s books and podcast, and Clutterbug’s podcast and YouTube videos (I love her approach to thinking about your organizational style; I’m a butterfly).
What did it look like when I was a kid?
I got asked this recently, so I figured I’d throw it in here. Here’s how my ADHD manifested when I was a kid:
Very messy (my room was so bad that I had little holes in the mess, like paving stones, so that I could walk from the door to the bed).
Daydreamy—my mind would wander and I wouldn’t hear what people were saying, even if I was looking at them and they were speaking right to me (I still do this).
“Verbal diarrhea” as my mother so elegantly described it.
Losing stuff all the time. Backpack was chaos. I’d do my homework and then lose it before I could hand it in.
Creative; kids loved playing make believe with me.
Teachers constantly told me I was smart but “wasn’t living up to my potential.”
Unusually high sense of justice and extreme reactions to perceived rejection (RSD).
Ability to hyperfocus on something enjoyable for long stretches of time.
For what it’s worth, a diagnosis would have saved me years of self-recrimination and self-blame. It’s very hard to hear “You’re not living up to your potential” and “You just need to try a little harder” from teachers and parents for your entire childhood and adolescence without taking it onboard as a moral failing.
What led to my diagnosis? What’s changed?
I used to create these elaborate structures to work around my brain (giant spreadsheets, etc), but I didn’t know the “why,” so I was just slapping up boards any which way. It became really apparent when I had a baby and became a manager; all the haphazard “systems” I’d created were useless in that new framework.
Someone on a podcast mentioned that ADHD was underdiagnosed in women, so I looked it up in case any of my friends had it, because feminism. And I was like, “This is just how brains work!” and then after a few weeks of thinking about that, realized, “This is how my brain works, but maybe not all brains are like this?” and sought out assessment. Now that I know the “why,” instead of my elaborate ramshackle structures I can build neat little houses around myself.